i read past entries and hey i dont write so bad pala eh. hahaha and guess what? i think i write quite well. hahaha.

i think my gradutaion is the best ever!!!! hahaha...me and my COMM ARTS batchmates will forver have something to talk about whenever we would look back to this day. hahaha. sure sure its the usual long and boring ceremony but hey it's not always that someone poops on his/her undies on graduation in PICC! hahaha. oh well, poor girl/guy pero thanks for the memory diba? haha.

graduate na and no work yet. and i think im super bored and im not exactly sure about many things like where i wna work and what position particularly and other more personal things. hay,,,,ewan. i think ganon tlga if you have nothing much to do at home,. all you do is think, think, and think and then the natural order of things gets disturbed and you end up being disturbed as well. you sleep with a frown (shit wrinkles!) and wake up feeling like shit.

then you see some old friends having a get together, but hey, you're not invited. you see photos of their gimks. am i supposed to feel happy about this? i dont think so. pero wtf, bahala na.

in a few months, i will be graduating from college. three years of walking around the university and dealing with different people may not seem much to some people but over those years, i have witnessed how people changed. i have also witnessed how i have changed.

as i lay in bed last night, i thought of my frosh days and realize how much i have changed. as i think of the eager, excited 17-year-old girl i was three years ago, i can't help but think how i have changed into the almost 20-year-old girl/lady/woman (i can't exactly figure it out, i feel im a little bit of everything) that i am now.

i know the changes that i have undergone but i cant exactly figure out how, when, or why i actually went through those changes. i always hear that change is unevitable and that it is necessary but sometimes you just dont notice the changes going on within you and around you. sometimes change overtakes you and all you have to do is to try to catch up with it. if you don't, well....you just have to.

last night i wondered about the people i was close to during my frosh years and i thought about the fun times we had. those were the times when we didn't really care much about school since we were just taking up floating subjects. i don't get to talk to these people much anymore and i wonder how they are or if they ever remember our good times together. im sure they have their own lives already and have also changed greatly the same way i did but i can't help but hope that somehow, they remember that we were once close friends who tried to keep in touch but failed.

i thank god for the friends who are still there since my frosh years. the friendship has encountered lots of tough times and there were instances when i feel that it would never survive. but it did and everytime it does, i feel that the friendship has just grown one notch stronger. then i thank god for it and pray that the friendship would stay that way for the many years to come.

then i met him. well, we've been friends for several years already but we never really got close. we were two people with different worlds, interests, and....well....we're just different. things got really complicated as we struggled to stay together. but we eventually got over it and continue to fight for what we have, something that i'm sure a lot of people do not understand. with him, i felt something i never felt before and i felt what it's like to truly love someone. in the many changes that have happened with me and the events that have unfolded itself over the three years, this is the one thing i would never regret.

looking back and comparing who i was before, i have grown. im still not sure if im happy with the changes i have undergone but i guess i have nothing much to do about it. i know i will continue to change and so will other people. and the struggle to keep up with these changes will never end. several years from now, i will look back to this time and i know that things will be much much different then. i just hope that whatever i will go through for the years to come will make me a much stronger individual who still believes in the power of passion and continues to trust in the goodness of people.

all is good. =)

i'm thinking of writing kya lng i cant seem to get my thoughts together. and i dont think i have time. lapit na ko magclass. kwento muna ko. =)

something's bothering me. i don't know if it's a sad thing or nakakainis. all i know is that it won't have a good effect on me nor the already good friendship. what's stupid is that the reason is so lame. sayang...ang babaw kasi. i guess there are just those people. sucky.

naisip ko minsan it sucks to get really close to someone kasi when something happens sayang yung tightness ng friendship. i think it's better to keep distance para if something good comes up, you'd be able to appreciate it more. when you get too close and you know everything na about the person, like the way he/she thinks, or what he/she wants etc... time will come when you won't be able to please this person anymore eh. perhaps because of your own interest or you simply can't. if not, since we dont really have to please everyone, time will come when masasaktan mo sila. and if that happens, you'd feel guilty as hell. am i making sense here? feeling ko kasi mas steady if may distance. =)

lying in bed last night, i thought of what i want to do in life. i realized that i want to do a lot of things, though some may seem hard to reach. im a girl full of ambitions. i used to think that it's a good thing cause my dreams and goals will drive me to do well in things i do. then i realize now--now that i already need to have a definite direction in life--that it is not a good thing after all because i can't seem to know and decide which one to pursue.

i feel old. i'm no longer the same kid who walks around with a big smile on my face and greets everyone with high spirits. i'm no longer the kid who does not have a bad day. i guess im getting older. well, everyone has to. but im not sure i want it. because i don't know what happened to the smiling, everyday's-a-good-day kind of person that i was just a few months ago.

what do i want to do with my life right now? i have all these thoughts, but i know that i'm fooling myself because i always think that things will go the way i want them to--that's utopia and it's a lie. i guess i will just have to face each day with courage. i just hope that courage does not falter because when it does, i know i'd end up as nothing. i'll be a disappointment to myself.

on vacation padn and im loving every boring and long minute of it. after hell term last term and the hell term next term, im trying to make the most out of doing nothing.

vacation..oh well. time to think of a lot of things and consider once again the things that were covered up by school work.

ever thought of yourself and how you seem to want to scream but can't? people see you as someone full of energy and without a care in the world but you know within you that your concerns are surely far more serious than others? you want to express how you feel and what you think but you know that people will not care. they may pretend they do but the truth is they dont because they have their own concerns or simply because they do not care at all. but you tell yourself it's ok and you'll be fine despite the lump that begins to form in your throat. you feel alone but you try to convince yourself that you're not because you're around the "most wonderful people", people who dont care, people who dont bother to ask you if you're fine. but then it cant be all about yourself right? so you feel guilty at being angry at the people who are supposed to be there for you (but are not) and try to think of excuses as to why they're not just to make yourself feel better.

you beging to complain about the things that go wrong and then you remember the things that are going right. you feel guilty again for not appreciating what you got and looking for things you dont have. it cant be all about you, you tell yourself.

but in the end, you realize that it cant be all about the world too. you begin to realize how much you have forgotten yourself because you always think that "it cant be all about you."

5pm palng pero feeling ko 7 na. naka-chill kasi lahat ng tao dito sa desktop lab eh. hahaha... although everybody here should be doing something na kasi two weeks nalang. its gonna be two weeks of hell for comm majors. hahaha... my god!!!!

ok daldal lang...gusto ko lang magdaldal about whatever of no significance. haha..i know na. ill thank nlng people dito. heehee...game.

lindz and jp for being my kasama sa lahat ng projects. future thesis mates...guys? we're gonna get that "best thesis award"...hahaha.. ok so ang yabang natin diba? pero sabi nga ni sir doy, hindi masamang mangarap. hahahaha...nako nako guys, ang dami pa nating pagdadaanan. pero kakayanin yan.,.. lahat kinakya ng mga taong katulad natin, hahahahaha...pero for now, chase and autobio muna tyo. vidprod ng vidprod. aaarrrgggghhh!!!!!

then there's rachie..forever jologs and energy lifter. hahaha...walking tenga. thanks rachie for always listening and stuff. haha... mwah.

irizz for looking good and fresh all the time. the best porma nito, weird,. and irizz din for encouraging me to get na tattoo and always telling me that its not gonna hurt. as if naman nasasaktan tong babaeng to diba? hahaha...

jassie--thanks din kasi i dont feel "alienated" kapag im blogging kasi like me, addict ka din ng malupt sa blog. hahha... pero seriously thank you jassie for lahat. pgdating sa "bitch thoughts", pareho kami nito. isang tingin lang, ok! gets na. hahahaaha....

kimmy kasi may kasama akong walking stick sa comm dept. makes me feel good knowing im not alone. hahahaha...

dami pa, all commarts people i cant mention na. thank you!!!!

syempre there's also sila pao and krinx who always look good together. forever kasama sa whatever. hahahaha... and not to forget the rest of aristo tambays--melvs, gelo, johnny, shai, kriska, si galang (kht la na sya) and MANY MANY MANY MORE PEOPLE. mmmwah.

to rozzette of course. mga gideon people lang may karapatan tumawag dyan ng buong name. hahaha. forever friend. forever happy. miss her.

i thank my family for always being there for me.

i thank din my boyfriend, champ. champ, like i said before, full support ako sa band nyo. what are girlfriends for db?! :o hahahaha... ok, so ang kapal ko db? hahaha

of course not to forget the love of my life (si champ kasi boyfriend ko lang eh). hahaha...for being really really patient with me when im whining about school, people, and life. and thank you for always listening to my walang sense na blabbing about nothing in particular (like last night) and for laughing at my super super corny and walang kwentang jokes. hahahahaha....=)

i love all these people so much...life would not be complete without you guys.

yes! pwede na ko manalo ng award. hahaha... senti today. =)

i didn't know it would hurt this much. iv told myself many times that i would not care and feel anything when the time comes. i was not prepared for what i felt when it finally did. im doing what i think is best. i just hope i did the right thing.

i guess you can never really prepare yourself when it comes to getting hurt. no matter how much you tell yourself that you'll be fine, the pain you will feel is still not something you expected. it's more. especially if you remember the good times and all the plans you have made together. that's what hurts the most--knowing that there is a possibility that all the dreams you have built will never materialize.

why do people have to suffer when they love? love is supposed to be a good thing right? then why is it necessary to go through the most terrible pain in order to love? the world's greatest paradox...

i want to feel numb. i want to rid myself of the emotions im feeling right now. i dont want to care. whoever said that you can choose what you feel is lying. you cant. choosing what you want to feel is a way of covering up your true emotions.

right now i dont want to feel anything.

"love has no motives--even noble ones. it's either there naturally or it's not"

"Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom."

"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."

iv written it. all i have to do now is click the SEND button then it will all be over--at least for a while. but do i have the guts? ill think about it. there are too many good things that i cant throw away and too many risk that i dont want to take.

i feel surprisingly happy. i know i shouldnt be pero i cant help it. for the first time in months i feel free and without a care in the world. but i'd be a hypocrite to feel this way coz i know i shouldn't considering all the things happening around me and to me.

maybe i want it, maybe i dont. at this point, i really dont know. but i know id be crushed when what truly happend and the consequences of my actions finally catch up on me. i know id regret feeling this way.

i dont know what to think anymore nor do i know what to do. my mind tells me to do one thing which my heart contradicts. which one to follow? its always a battle. iv been thinking a lot and still,i cant decide. i dont want to have regrets in the end but i have to do something. do i like the way i feel now? no, i dont. coz i know i shouldnt be feeling this way. my heart screams and my mind tries to tame it. it's still a battle. its gonna stay that way.

i wish i have the guts to do what i feel must be done. but im scared... im scared that the decision would be a mistake. i dont want to make a mistake. i want everything to be perfect. but the fact that i want everything to be perfect is already a mistake in itself. and in wanting things to be perfect, i commit mistakes coz i thought that evrything i do is helping. i didnt notice until now that it's only making things worst than it already is. damn.

i try to cover up what i feel with apathy...i always do. and i feel like shit.

am i happy? after everything iv written here, i guess im not. im crushed inside.